TPTT Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT III
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
SCENE III. A street.
SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
OLIVIA
      I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
      How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
      For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
      I speak too loud.
5     Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
      And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
      Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
      He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
      is, sure, possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
10    Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
MARIA
      No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your
      ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
      he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
OLIVIA
      Go call him hither.

Exit MARIA

15    I am as mad as he,
      If sad and merry madness equal be.

Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO

      How now, Malvolio!
MALVOLIO
      Sweet lady, ho, ho.
OLIVIA
      Smilest thou?
20    I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
      Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
      obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
      what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
      with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
25    please all.'
OLIVIA
      Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO
      Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
      did come to his hands, and commands shall be
      executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA
30    Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
      To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
OLIVIA
      God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
      thy hand so oft?
MARIA
      How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
35    At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
MARIA
      Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO
      'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
OLIVIA
      What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
      'Some are born great,'--
OLIVIA
40    Ha!
MALVOLIO
      'Some achieve greatness,'--
OLIVIA
      What sayest thou?
MALVOLIO
      'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
OLIVIA
      Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO
45    'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'--
OLIVIA
      Thy yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO
      'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA
      Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
      'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--
OLIVIA
50    Am I made?
MALVOLIO
      'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
OLIVIA
      Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
Servant
      Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
      returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
55    attends your ladyship's pleasure.
OLIVIA
      I'll come to him.

Exit Servant

      Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
      my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
      care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
60    half of my dowry.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
MALVOLIO
      O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
      Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
      the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
      appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
65    in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
      'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
      let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
      thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
      consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
70    face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
      habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
      limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
      thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
      fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
75    after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
      adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
      scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
      or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing
      that can be can come between me and the full
80    prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
      doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
      the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
      himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
FABIAN
85    Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
      how is't with you, man?
MALVOLIO
      Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
      off.
MARIA
      Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
90    I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
      care of him.
MALVOLIO
      Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
      with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how
95    is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
      consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
      Do you know what you say?
MARIA
      La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
      it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
FABIAN
100   Carry his water to the wise woman.
MARIA
      Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
      live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO
      How now, mistress!
MARIA
      O Lord!
SIR TOBY BELCH
105   Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do
      you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
FABIAN
      No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is
      rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO
110   Sir!
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for
      gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang
      him, foul collier!
MARIA
      Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
115   My prayers, minx!
MARIA
      No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO
      Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
      things: I am not of your element: you shall know
      more hereafter.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
120   Is't possible?
FABIAN
      If this were played upon a stage now, I could
      condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA
      Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN
125   Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA
      The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
      niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
      may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
130   till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
      us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
      bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
      finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
      More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW
135   Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's
      vinegar and pepper in't.
FABIAN
      Is't so saucy?
SIR ANDREW
      Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Give me.

Reads

140   'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN
      Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      (Reads) 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
      why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
FABIAN
      A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH
145   (Reads) 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
      sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
      throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
FABIAN
      Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      (Reads) 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it
150   be thy chance to kill me,'--
FABIAN
      Good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      (Reads) 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN
      Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      (Reads) 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
155   one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
      my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
      friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
      ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
      If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
160   I'll give't him.
MARIA
      You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in
      some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the
      orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest
165   him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for
      it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
      swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood
      more approbation than ever proof itself would have
      earned him. Away!
SIR ANDREW
170   Nay, let me alone for swearing.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior
      of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
      capacity and breeding; his employment between his
      lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this
175   letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no
      terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
      clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
      word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report
      of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
180   youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous
      opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
      This will so fright them both that they will kill
      one another by the look, like cockatrices.
Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA
FABIAN
      Here he comes with your niece: give them way till
185   he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      I will meditate the while upon some horrid message
      for a challenge.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA
OLIVIA
      I have said too much unto a heart of stone
      And laid mine honour too unchary out:
190   There's something in me that reproves my fault;
      But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
      That it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA
      With the same 'havior that your passion bears
      Goes on my master's grief.
OLIVIA
195   Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
      Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
      And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
      What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
      That honour saved may upon asking give?
VIOLA
200   Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
OLIVIA
      How with mine honour may I give him that
      Which I have given to you?
VIOLA
      I will acquit you.
OLIVIA
      Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
205   A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
Exit
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA
      And you, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what
      nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
210   not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
      the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:
      dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for
      thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
VIOLA
      You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel
215   to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from
      any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
      if you hold your life at any price, betake you to
      your guard; for your opposite hath in him what
220   youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
VIOLA
      I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on
      carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
      brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and
225   his incensement at this moment is so implacable,
      that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death
      and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.
VIOLA
      I will return again into the house and desire some
      conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
230   of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
      others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
      of that quirk.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a
      very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
235   give him his desire. Back you shall not to the
      house, unless you undertake that with me which with
      as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,
      or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
      must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
VIOLA
240   This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
      this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
      my offence to him is: it is something of my
      negligence, nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
245   gentleman till my return.
Exit
VIOLA
      Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN
      I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a
      mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
VIOLA
      I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN
250   Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by
      his form, as you are like to find him in the proof
      of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,
      bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
      have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk
255   towards him? I will make your peace with him if I
      can.
VIOLA
      I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that
      had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
      care not who knows so much of my mettle.
Exeunt
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
260   Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a
      firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and
      all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal
      motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he
      pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they
265   step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
SIR ANDREW
      Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can
      scarce hold him yonder.
SIR ANDREW
      Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so
270   cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld
      have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
      and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show
      on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.

Aside

275   Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA

To FABIAN

      I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
      I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.
FABIAN
      He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and
      looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY BELCH
280   (To VIOLA) There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
      with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
      bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
      scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
      the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA
285   (Aside) Pray God defend me! A little thing would
      make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
FABIAN
      Give ground, if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman
      will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;
290   he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has
      promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
      will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
SIR ANDREW
      Pray God, he keep his oath!
VIOLA
      I do assure you, 'tis against my will.
They draw
Enter ANTONIO
ANTONIO
295   Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
      Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
      If you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      You, sir! why, what are you?
ANTONIO
      One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
300   Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
They draw
Enter Officers
FABIAN
      O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      I'll be with you anon.
VIOLA
      Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW
305   Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,
      I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily
      and reins well.
First Officer
      This is the man; do thy office.
Second Officer
      Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO
310   You do mistake me, sir.
First Officer
      No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
      Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
      Take him away: he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO
      I must obey.

To VIOLA

315   This comes with seeking you:
      But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
      What will you do, now my necessity
      Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
      Much more for what I cannot do for you
320   Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
      But be of comfort.
Second Officer
      Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO
      I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA
      What money, sir?
325   For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,
      And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
      Out of my lean and low ability
      I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
      I'll make division of my present with you:
330   Hold, there's half my coffer.
ANTONIO
      Will you deny me now?
      Is't possible that my deserts to you
      Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
      Lest that it make me so unsound a man
335   As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
      That I have done for you.
VIOLA
      I know of none;
      Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
      I hate ingratitude more in a man
340   Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
      Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
      Inhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO
      O heavens themselves!
Second Officer
      Come, sir, I pray you, go.
ANTONIO
345   Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
      I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,
      Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
      And to his image, which methought did promise
      Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
First Officer
350   What's that to us? The time goes by: away!
ANTONIO
      But O how vile an idol proves this god
      Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
      In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
      None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
355   Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
      Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.
First Officer
      The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO
      Lead me on.
Exit with Officers
VIOLA
      Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
360   That he believes himself: so do not I.
      Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
      That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll
      whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
VIOLA
365   He named Sebastian: I my brother know
      Yet living in my glass; even such and so
      In favour was my brother, and he went
      Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
      For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
370   Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
      A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than
      a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
      friend here in necessity and denying him; and for
      his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN
375   A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW
      'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
SIR ANDREW
      An I do not,--
FABIAN
      Come, let's see the event.
SIR TOBY BELCH
380   I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.
Exeunt
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