TPTT Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT III
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.
SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
SCENE III. A street.
SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR ANDREW
      No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
FABIAN
      You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
      Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
5     count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
      I saw't i' the orchard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
SIR ANDREW
      As plain as I see you now.
FABIAN
      This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
SIR ANDREW
10    'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?
FABIAN
      I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
      judgment and reason.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
      was a sailor.
FABIAN
15    She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
      to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
      put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
      You should then have accosted her; and with some
      excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
20    have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
      looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
      double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
      off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
      lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
25    on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
      some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
SIR ANDREW
      An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
      I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a
      politician.
SIR TOBY BELCH
30    Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
      valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
      with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
      take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
      love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
35    commendation with woman than report of valour.
FABIAN
      There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
      Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
      it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
40    of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
      if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
      amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
      paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
      bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
45    Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou
      write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.
SIR ANDREW
      Where shall I find you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.
Exit SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
      This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
50    I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand
      strong, or so.
FABIAN
      We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
      not deliver't?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
55    youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
      cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
      opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
      will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
      the anatomy.
FABIAN
60    And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no
      great presage of cruelty.
Enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
MARIA
      If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
      into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
65    turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
      Christian, that means to be saved by believing
      rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
      of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      And cross-gartered?
MARIA
70    Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
      i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
      murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
      that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
      face into more lines than is in the new map with the
75    augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
      a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
      at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
      he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Exeunt
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