TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT II
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
SCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.
SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE III. A field near Windsor.
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
      I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL
      Why, then the world's mine oyster.
      Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF
      Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
5     lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
      good friends for three reprieves for you and your
      coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
      the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
      hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
10    good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
      Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
      mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL
      Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF
      Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
15    endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
      about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
      and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
      You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
      stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
20    baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
      terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
      sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
      and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
      shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
25    will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
      looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
      bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
      honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL
      I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter ROBIN
ROBIN
30    Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF
      Let her approach.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
      Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Not so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFF
35    Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      I'll be sworn,
      As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF
      I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF
40    Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
      the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
      little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
      Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFF
45    Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
      come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF
      I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
      own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
50    Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
FALSTAFF
      Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
      worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
      of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF
55    Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
      have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
      wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
      court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
60    to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
      lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
      you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
      after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
      rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
65    such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
      the best and the fairest, that would have won any
      woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
      get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
      given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
70    any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
      honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
      her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
      them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
      is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF
75    But what says she to me? be brief, my good
      she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
      she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
      to notify that her husband will be absence from his
80    house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
      Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
      picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
      her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
85    woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
      jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
      him, good heart.
FALSTAFF
      Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
      not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
90    Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
      your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
      commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
      your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
      one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
95    evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
      other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
      husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
      will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
      a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF
100   Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
      good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Blessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFF
      But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
      Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105   That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
      grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
      Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
      little page, of all loves: her husband has a
      marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
110   Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
      Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
      she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
      to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
      she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
115   be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
      send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF
      Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
      go between you both; and in any case have a
120   nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
      the boy never need to understand any thing; for
      'tis not good that children should know any
      wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
      as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF
125   Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
      my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
      this woman.

Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN

      This news distracts me!
PISTOL
      This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
130   Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
      Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
FALSTAFF
      Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
      more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
      yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
135   of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
      thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
      fairly done, no matter.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
      Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
      speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
140   sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
FALSTAFF
      Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH
      Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF
      Call him in.

Exit BARDOLPH

      Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
145   liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
      have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised
FORD
      Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
      And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
FORD
      I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
150   you.
FALSTAFF
      You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
Exit BARDOLPH
FORD
      Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF
      Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD
      Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
155   for I must let you understand I think myself in
      better plight for a lender than you are: the which
      hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
      intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
      ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF
160   Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD
      Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
      if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
      half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF
      Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD
165   I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF
      Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
      your servant.
FORD
      Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
      with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
170   though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
      myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
      thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
      own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
      one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
175   turn another into the register of your own; that I
      may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
      yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF
      Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD
      There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
180   name is Ford.
FALSTAFF
      Well, sir.
FORD
      I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
      bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
      observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
185   fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
      give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
      to give her, but have given largely to many to know
      what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
      her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
190   wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
      merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
      I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
      be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
      rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
195   'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
      Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
FALSTAFF
      Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD
      Never.
FALSTAFF
      Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD
200   Never.
FALSTAFF
      Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD
      Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
      that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
      where I erected it.
FALSTAFF
205   To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD
      When I have told you that, I have told you all.
      Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
      other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
      there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
210   John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
      gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
      discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
      place and person, generally allowed for your many
      war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFF
215   O, sir!
FORD
      Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
      it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
      give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
      to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
220   Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
      consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
      any.
FALSTAFF
      Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
      affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
225   Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD
      O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
      the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
      soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
      be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
230   with any detection in my hand, my desires had
      instance and argument to commend themselves: I
      could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
      her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
      other her defences, which now are too too strongly
235   embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
      Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
      money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
      gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
FORD
      O good sir!
FALSTAFF
240   I say you shall.
FORD
      Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF
      Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
      none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
      own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
245   assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
      shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
      that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
      will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
      know how I speed.
FORD
250   I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
      sir?
FALSTAFF
      Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
      yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
      jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
255   which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
      use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
      and there's my harvest-home.
FORD
      I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
      if you saw him.
FALSTAFF
260   Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
      stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
      cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
      cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
      will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
265   lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
      Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
      thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
      cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
FORD
      What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
270   ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
      improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
      hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
      have thought this? See the hell of having a false
      woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
275   ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
      only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
      the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
      does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
      well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
280   devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
      Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
      not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
      will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
      rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
285   the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
      aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
      gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
      then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
      think in their hearts they may effect, they will
290   break their hearts but they will effect. God be
      praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
      I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
      Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
      better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
295   Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
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