TPTT Love's Labour's Lost: ACT V
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
SCENE I. The same.
SCENE II. The same.
About the Play
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SCENE I. The same.
Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL
HOLOFERNES
      Satis quod sufficit.
SIR NATHANIEL
      I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner
      have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without
      scurrility, witty without affection, audacious without
5     impudency, learned without opinion, and strange with-
      out heresy. I did converse this quondam day with
      a companion of the king's, who is intituled, nomi-
      nated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.
HOLOFERNES
      Novi hominem tanquam te: his humour is lofty, his
10    discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye
      ambitious, his gait majestical, and his general
      behavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is
      too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it
      were, too peregrinate, as I may call it.
SIR NATHANIEL
15    A most singular and choice epithet.
Draws out his table-book
HOLOFERNES
      He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer
      than the staple of his argument. I abhor such
      fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and
      point-devise companions; such rackers of
20    orthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he should
      say doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt,--d,
      e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf;
      half, hauf; neighbour vocatur nebor; neigh
      abbreviated ne. This is abhominable,--which he
25    would call abbominable: it insinuateth me of
      insanie: anne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.
SIR NATHANIEL
      Laus Deo, bene intelligo.
HOLOFERNES
      Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratch'd,
      'twill serve.
SIR NATHANIEL
30    Videsne quis venit?
HOLOFERNES
      Video, et gaudeo.
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARD
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Chirrah!
To MOTH
HOLOFERNES
      Quare chirrah, not sirrah?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Men of peace, well encountered.
HOLOFERNES
35    Most military sir, salutation.
MOTH
      (Aside to COSTARD) They have been at a great feast
      of languages, and stolen the scraps.
COSTARD
      O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.
      I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;
40    for thou art not so long by the head as
      honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier
      swallowed than a flap-dragon.
MOTH
      Peace! the peal begins.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      (To HOLOFERNES) Monsieur, are you not lettered?
MOTH
45    Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a,
      b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?
HOLOFERNES
      Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.
MOTH
      Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.
HOLOFERNES
      Quis, quis, thou consonant?
MOTH
50    The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or
      the fifth, if I.
HOLOFERNES
      I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--
MOTH
      The sheep: the other two concludes it,--o, u.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet
55    touch, a quick venue of wit! snip, snap, quick and
      home! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!
MOTH
      Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.
HOLOFERNES
      What is the figure? what is the figure?
MOTH
      Horns.
HOLOFERNES
60    Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.
MOTH
      Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about
      your infamy circum circa,--a gig of a cuckold's horn.
COSTARD
      An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst
      have it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the very
65    remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny
      purse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an
      the heavens were so pleased that thou wert but my
      bastard, what a joyful father wouldst thou make me!
      Go to; thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers'
70    ends, as they say.
HOLOFERNES
      O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singled from the
      barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the
      charge-house on the top of the mountain?
HOLOFERNES
75    Or mons, the hill.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.
HOLOFERNES
      I do, sans question.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Sir, it is the king's most sweet pleasure and
      affection to congratulate the princess at her
80    pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the
      rude multitude call the afternoon.
HOLOFERNES
      The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is
      liable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon:
      the word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I do
85    assure you, sir, I do assure.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar,
      I do assure ye, very good friend: for what is
      inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee,
      remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thy
90    head: and among other important and most serious
      designs, and of great import indeed, too, but let
      that pass: for I must tell thee, it will please his
      grace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poor
      shoulder, and with his royal finger, thus, dally
95    with my excrement, with my mustachio; but, sweet
      heart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no
      fable: some certain special honours it pleaseth his
      greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of
      travel, that hath seen the world; but let that pass.
100   The very all of all is,--but, sweet heart, I do
      implore secrecy,--that the king would have me
      present the princess, sweet chuck, with some
      delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or
      antique, or firework. Now, understanding that the
105   curate and your sweet self are good at such
      eruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as it
      were, I have acquainted you withal, to the end to
      crave your assistance.
HOLOFERNES
      Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.
110   Sir, as concerning some entertainment of time, some
      show in the posterior of this day, to be rendered by
      our assistants, at the king's command, and this most
      gallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman, before
      the princess; I say none so fit as to present the
115   Nine Worthies.
SIR NATHANIEL
      Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?
HOLOFERNES
      Joshua, yourself; myself and this gallant gentleman,
      Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because of his great
      limb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the
120   page, Hercules,--
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Pardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough for
      that Worthy's thumb: he is not so big as the end of his club.
HOLOFERNES
      Shall I have audience? he shall present Hercules in
      minority: his enter and exit shall be strangling a
125   snake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.
MOTH
      An excellent device! so, if any of the audience
      hiss, you may cry 'Well done, Hercules! now thou
      crushest the snake!' that is the way to make an
      offence gracious, though few have the grace to do it.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
130   For the rest of the Worthies?--
HOLOFERNES
      I will play three myself.
MOTH
      Thrice-worthy gentleman!
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
      Shall I tell you a thing?
HOLOFERNES
      We attend.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
135   We will have, if this fadge not, an antique. I
      beseech you, follow.
HOLOFERNES
      Via, goodman Dull! thou hast spoken no word all this while.
DULL
      Nor understood none neither, sir.
HOLOFERNES
      Allons! we will employ thee.
DULL
140   I'll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play
      On the tabour to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.
HOLOFERNES
      Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away!
Exeunt
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